MY ISSUES LAID BARE
I think I'm worthless, most of the time. In fact, I find that when someone IS attracted to me for whatever reason I think there is something wrong with them and quickly self-destruct the relationship. I have the worst self-esteem issues EVER! I find it safest to be attracted to straight guys because nothing can ever come back, therefore, no real rejection. GOD! As if someone saying: "Sorry, but I'm not interested in you" is the WORST thing you can ever hear!! I find the idea of rejection crippling, for some reason. I feel like I was picked last for the kick ball team sometime in 3rd grade and I have never gotten over it. It's absolutely infuriating. (P.S. This isn't your cue to tell me that I'm crazy and of course I'm worth something, blah blah blah... I know all of that, I'm just being very honest here. Maybe too honest.)
I wonder sometimes if it's absolutely the worst thing in the world to end up alone (yes, that HORRIFYING 2-syllable word that strikes fear in the hearts of Suburbanites) my entire life. My sister Forensics has told me that YES there are people who end up alone their entire life, but she doesn't think for a second that I am one of those people. Okay, it sucks sometimes. It sucks being alone at family functions, it sucks not to have someone to tell about my day, it sucks not to have someone in my corner the majority of time, etc. But I don't have to deal with someone else's mood swings, messes, idiosyncrasies, self-esteem issues, and everything else under the sun. Things are EXACTLY where I left them when I get home, I don't have to have someone in my face after a tough day, I can walk around naked if I want to and I can watch any damn thing I want. I don't like thinking that other people are looking at me like something is wrong with me because I'm single. If that's the case, it makes me think that is the only way others can define me is if I'm in a relationship.
Of course, this could all be BS. It could be an elaborate smoke screen because I am just too fucking lazy to make the changes necessary in my life that would welcome someone in. Someday, I'll figure it all out.
I wonder sometimes if it's absolutely the worst thing in the world to end up alone (yes, that HORRIFYING 2-syllable word that strikes fear in the hearts of Suburbanites) my entire life. My sister Forensics has told me that YES there are people who end up alone their entire life, but she doesn't think for a second that I am one of those people. Okay, it sucks sometimes. It sucks being alone at family functions, it sucks not to have someone to tell about my day, it sucks not to have someone in my corner the majority of time, etc. But I don't have to deal with someone else's mood swings, messes, idiosyncrasies, self-esteem issues, and everything else under the sun. Things are EXACTLY where I left them when I get home, I don't have to have someone in my face after a tough day, I can walk around naked if I want to and I can watch any damn thing I want. I don't like thinking that other people are looking at me like something is wrong with me because I'm single. If that's the case, it makes me think that is the only way others can define me is if I'm in a relationship.
Of course, this could all be BS. It could be an elaborate smoke screen because I am just too fucking lazy to make the changes necessary in my life that would welcome someone in. Someday, I'll figure it all out.
posted by Shakycam | 9:15 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home