Weight

There's a heaviness about me. It's there in my physical being but I feel it is weighing down my soul as well. I have been trying to lose weight for the better part of 8 years. I always fail, I always plummet right back to where I started; sometimes I gain more than I started with. I don't think it is a matter of what I shove in my mouth or what I decide to eat. It's more a matter of what I decide to do with myself in my day to day life and how I choose to move through it. You see, fat people are invisible in a way. Not in any kind of poor me way, but in one way; one very specific way. People don't expect all that much from fat people. We can't control what we put in our fucking mouths so why should we be able to control any other aspect of our lives? I feel people look at me and feel sorry for me. They see me as a person in a constant struggle with his own inner urges. You can't expect a person with such overwhelming inner urges to control any OTHER aspect of his life, can you? People won't expect much from me. Flash forward to that wonderful, healthy person I am told I have locked deep inside me. Filled with confidence, can do anything, can stand in the spotlight, can have people look at him and lust over him and envy him and want to be his friend and want to know him and to talk to him and hang out with him and introduce themselves to him at parties and want him want him want him. Am I ready for that? Am I ready to be and most importantly do I WANT to be that person? You see for me, it's not so much about putting down the French fries and driving past the McDonald's drive thru, it's about what the fuck I'm going to do once I BECOME that healthy person. Once I'm one of the Visible Ones. What will people see? What can I show them? If I don't have that glaring fault distracting people from all my other faults, what will they see? Will they expect me to become something I am not? Will they ask the dreaded question "What are you waiting for?" Why haven't you made more of yourself? Why would a young fit handsome man like you let ANYTHING hold him back from making all of his dreams come true? WHY DON'T YOU HAVE IT ALL?? they will shout. Why are you still holding onto a job you despise and going nowhere when you could do SO MUCH. I mean, you lost all that pesky weight, didn't you? Those pesky 100 pounds you had hanging around that absolutely refused to let go of your now manly and athletic frame? And really, what do you have to feel bad about now that you are not overweight. Are you afraid that maybe now the weight is gone you might have to shed your problems with self esteem and GOD FORBID like yourself? See yourself as everything you know deep down you can be? Look yourself deep in the eyes in the mirror and say "You turned out okay?" And the worst and most horrifying question that childless, rootless thirtysomethings are faced with constantly "Now what?" Where to next, sir? You can go anywhere and do anything. What would you like to do? Who would you like to be?? Am I ready to answer all of those questions? Am I alone here? Am I truly alone in feeling this way? I feel like I kicked over a psychological rock in my head and started a fucking avalanche. I'm fat because it's EASIER than being thin. And I don't like myself. Deep down, I truly feel like I don't deserve the type of happiness that I feel accompanies normal-weight people. More than anything, I'm scared to death of how I will be seen and treated differently.