Kajagoogoo

I've been having some pretty severe issues lately with social anxiety. I think Wikipedia might be the coolest thing ever. I really wonder what the difference is between Social Anxiety Disorder and garden variety shyness so I checked it out online. I had this feeling that it was closely related to low self esteem and it definitely is. When I'm in a social situation and I clam up it's because there's this nasty voice in my head telling me that this person doesn't want to hear what I have to say and that they couldn't possibly care about me. Moreover, I have been burned too many times in my life not to be pretty guarded around new people. I judge them pretty harshly in my head and more often than not dismiss them as a certain type that I wouldn't want to have anything to do with anyway. This beats them to the inevitable rejection, you see. Social Anxiety folks tend to isolate themselves which actually makes the situation worse. Ding ding ding!!! I lived by myself with a few cats in two 1 bedroom apartments in a row. I used to make all kinds of excuses not to leave the last one. My neighborhood wasn't safe, it was too cold, it was too hot, etc, etc. We also tend to have been ridiculed, rejected and humiliated by our peers at an early age more than non SAD folks. Again, right on the money. I don't remember EVER fitting in. I was nearly drowned in the swimming pool in 8^th grade, punched, kicked, called "Faggot" more times than I can count. Junior High was a general nightmare for me, one that I couldn't wake up from. I dealt with it by isolating myself and reading. I went to only one dance in my entire school career and I was dragged to it.

Now onto the issue at hand: My BF is a very social person. He loves being the center of attention. He loves going out and meeting new people. And I love him for it. It's one of the many things I admire about him, that confidence, because it is something that I lack. I worry sometimes that he will get fed up with my shyness and kick me to the curb and find a less defective model; someone he can go to birthday parties with that won't huddle in the corner wishing he was dead or make rude comments about the people all around us to beat them to the punch. I always had it in my mind that getting into a relationship would mean that all my personal problems would be solved. Boy was I in for the shock of my life when I found out that it actually MAGNIFIES all of your personal shit because now there is someone around to notice everything.

Here's the central question: Is there something BETTER about being a social butterfly? Does it mean you are a better person? It takes all types to make up this crazy world. Where do the shy people fit in? The BF can be out at the club partying it up while I'm at home writing a masterpiece screenplay. Is one activity more valid than the other because one is social and one is done in isolation? Is this something I absolutely need to work on? Right now we have a system worked out where if he wants to stay out he just calls me when he's done and I come and pick him up. That way he has a safe way home and I don't have to put on fake smiles, deal with awkward silences and make nice with strangers. Everyone wins. Or am I fooling myself?