WORK IT, WORK IT, WORK IT!!!

Being a general fat-ass, I know (and have known for some time) that I have to get my fat, lazy ass to the gym. I have resolved to do that this year. In accordance with that, I explored my options. I called our local YWCA and checked out my options. I have such awful health insurance this year (basically, don't get sick and we offer this INCREDIBLE Health Savings Account where you can save YOUR money to pay your doctor bills, but if you don't spend it all by the end of the year, we will take it), I figured at the very least PREVENTITIVE health would be the way they were going. They do waive a $79 joiner's fee, but the woman at the Y told me that if you have Blue Cross/Blue Shield and visit the gym 8 times per month, they will reimburse you $20 of the $47/month fee. I thought WOW, now THAT is an incentive to get my lazy butt in there. I called to verify with BCBS that it is a reality. Apparently, The Bank doesn't offer that through their health care programs. Befuddled, I jumped on the website and found the following explanation. Be forewarned, if you are drinking something, you may spit it out in shock at the stunning audacity of the corporate-speak herein. There's a puddle of water on my floor to attest to that. My favorite parts are in bold:

* At the present time, The Bank has decided not to participate in the Blue Cross Blue Shield of Minnesota program that offers $20 off monthly dues at the YMCA, Flagship Athletic Club and Northwest Athletic Clubs in Minnesota for a certain level of usage. This program is optional for employers who have self-insured health care programs, such as The Bank. The program cost would need to be paid by The Bank, [because a place that had RECORD EARNINGS, won't even buy office supplies for its employees and routinely gives 5 and 10 cent raises PER YEAR cannot afford it] not Blue Cross.

For 2006, we have chosen to invest in the new Health Assessment program [a survey, website and junk mail] as our major wellness initiative. We believe a good first step toward motivating people to lead healthier lifestyles is to give them information about their current health status, [I know I'm a fucking fat-ass, okay] and provide tools and support [because a survey, website and junk mail is SOO valuable when I am trying to improve my health] to help them take action to reduce health risks and lead a healthier lifestyle. For many people, we believe a more realistic starting point to more exercise may be to go for a free half mile walk once a day [you picked up on the fucking FREE part, right?] rather than a twice weekly fitness club visit, even if subsidized.

The Health Assessment will also give The Bank aggregate data about our employee's health risk areas (we will not have any information about individual employees). This can help us decide where we should focus future wellness intiatives, which could include fitness club incentives, but could also include areas such as diet, smoking or stress [like the stress of working for a fucking cheap-ass company with terrible benefits that gives out 5 and 10 cent raises?].

Ya gotta love and respect the purity of it, right? Maybe they should "focus future wellness initiatives" in giving affordable insurance that actually makes sense to take part in. Our benefits were so atrocious this year, I opted out and have GETTING HIT BY A BUS insurance instead. Otherwise, I would have been paying $75/ month with a $600 deductible, and then pay 20 percent of my doctor's visits after that.

I'm still joining the Y. One way or another. There's a really decent fitness room here at JAS apartments, but the hours really suck and will not work for me most of the time. I am pissed off to find out they have junior high style showers. I would like to go early in the morning before work, but that isn't going to happen if it involves a bit of public nudity every day. I don't even feel comfortable getting naked in front of a mirror, let alone in front of some buff, hot straight guy.