My Inner Addict

I have recently been re-reading all of Augusten Burrough's books. I absolutely NEED something good to read at work during lunch so I am not tempted to go downstairs and hit up a fast food joint. Instead, I sequester myself in an empty conference room with Lean Cuisine and a riveting book. I am currently re-reading "Dry" which I think would make a far better movie than "Running with Scissors". It's about his battle with alcoholism. One of the things his therapist told him was about that little voice inside that makes you do the things that you shouldn't do, that perpetuates your addiction, whatever it may be. It's called your inner addict. If you want to keep things secret, like the voice tells you to, the inner addict is telling you to. (In his case he never threw away any of his 1500 Dewars bottles and lived in squalor in Manhattan, though he was making more than enough money. He said the bottles were lined up 7 deep against the wall.) When you tell people about this secretive stuff, you are "Telling on your inner addict". I have been trying to figure out what I am addicted to. Well, what I am addicted to besides greasy food that is bad for me, TV, Netflix and coffee. Those are ones I openly acknowledge and intend to fight against. Those are ones I "tell on" all the time, but they are not the main one, the one who rules the roost of my emotional problems. They are not my main addiction. They are not the Inner Addict.

Today in the shower it hit me. [An aside: I seem to have tremendous revelations in the shower, by the way. Probably because water is such a spiritual thing to me. I truly believe that water is my higher power.] I am addicted to my own loneliness. I find it so hard to leave my apartment alone. If I am going to meet someone or if someone is picking me up I can vault out the door. I also have no problem leaving to go to work or school. I have a problem going to lectures or support groups or coffee shops or walks around Lake Calhoun or gay reading groups or ANYTHING that might possibly help me meet cool new people. When I do meet cool new people I have forgotten how to make room for them in my life or be their friend. See, more friends means more time away from my apartment, where I can be lonely. My inner addict tells me I am ugly and worthless and boring and damaged goods, and that no one will ever find me attractive or worthwhile. It tells me everything that keeps me addicted to loneliness. It's absolutely getting repulsive and boring. When I look in the mirror lately, something has started to change. I'm starting to see myself differently. I don't know if it's being in my thirties or what, but I see some kind of fire behind my eyes. There is a lot going on, there is almost a confidence there. I'm on my way to kicking the shit out of this inner addict. I just have to silence that voice by going out and doing things, breaking out of this suffocating comfort zone, as scary as it it.