11:56 PM- I really wish I knew how to change my feelings about Sexy. The word "obsession" doesn't go far enough in describing it. I want to be with him all the time, and what do I get out of it? I get a warm, secure safe feeling. I get a lot of eye candy and most of the time I have fun. But, at the same time, it's all very empty because I know I can't have more. He's the type of guy that can never say he cares in any way. He is very cold and cruel sometimes and I get the feeling again and again that he's using me, but not in the way I wish he would. I have already decided that I am never gonna let this happen again. I am never gonna get into a friendship with someone I am attracted to but can't have. Whether that means that I shut out a good friend or not doesn't concern me. I cannot go through this again.
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Wow! I was being completely honest with myself. Not that it did any good. I mean, I was right at the beginning of all of that Sexy stuff. It hadn't even been a full year yet. I was onto something, though. There was something warm and safe and secure about having feelings for someone who absolutely could not have them back. Warm, safe, secure yet empty and abusive. That completely describes every bit of my friendship with him; all 12 years of it. I was also under the impression that because he was a tough, macho straight guy he could "protect" me because I was still under the delusion that I needed to be protected from something other than my own self-destructive tendencies. Yeah. Well, I got shot and attacked with an ice scraper while I knew him. Obviously it did no good. I have taken the healthy mental health stance of not regretting anything in my past, laltely because every step of the way led me to where I am right now; and where I am is pretty fucking awesome. Sexy is in the past. In fact, if I have anything to do with it, I will never see nor speak with him again. The funny thing is, I don't hate him or dislike him or judge him. I just have absolutely nothing in common with him anymore and being around him makes me remember what it was like to completely fool myself for so long. So, in the last analysis I guess there is a hint of regret. Just no hard feelings.
