48 DAYS part 2: The Phone, The Friends & The End

Sarabellem: So, what happened, man? Why didn’t you stay in this situation? What came to a head?

Shakycam: Okay. He was from Indianapolis, or he had been staying there for a little while. He was really good friends with this girl named Kim. He had mentioned early on that she was coming to town and would I mind if she crashed with us for awhile so the two of them could look for a place together. They had been friends forever, blah blah blah. I was fine with it.

SB: I could see you being fine with her staying, but what was it like when you found out he’d be moving out?

SC: We actually talked at one point about me moving out with them.

SB: Oh really?

SC: Yeah. So it wasn’t a finality at all. Anyway, she ended up coming to stay. She seemed okay to me.

SB: What did she look like?

SC: She was about my height, brown hair, glasses kinda nerdy looking. She had a cat with her named KC, an awesome Siamese cats. One of the coolest cats I’ve ever known. She ended up dropping the cat off with us at first before she came to stay, so we had a good week with him before she showed up. Remember, Trent had this job where he traveled around a lot. There was a trip coming up where he was going to Chicago and I had mentioned how much I loved that city. I was trying to work things out with my job so that I could go with him. I’d basically have to be smuggled in this van, but he’d done it with other people. It didn’t end up working out and I was really upset. I ended up being alone with this girl I barely knew for like two or three days. So, in that time I got to know Kim quite a bit more, I trusted her, and I told her way too much.

SB: What do you mean you told her way too much?

SC: I told her exactly how I felt about Trent and the whole situation. I didn’t go all psycho and say “Oh my god!! I want to raise fifty of his children...” or anything but that I really liked him. I just... trusted her way too much. And I didn’t know her that well. Remember, I wasn’t thinking rationally at the time.

SB: Was it maybe because you trusted Trent so much you thought you could trust his closest friend?

SC: Yeah.

SB: Although, I wonder if, do you think that maybe by telling her you were actually telling him?

SC: Coulda been.

SB: It’s just a strange thing to trust someone that fast with such intimate details.

SC: I have a theory about that which I will get to later. Anyway, Trent comes back from Chicago and I had spent this entire time with Kim.

SB: So did you just hang out at the apartment?

SC: No, we went out and did a couple things. Went to eat, went to movies. She was paying for everything all those times, too, because she didn’t officially give me rent money for staying there. So, she was going to make dinner one night and we went to two grocery stores to get all of the ingredients and some basic staples. She paid for all of that. She offered every single time because she knew I would really be helping them out. SO, the day Trent comes back I was supposed to pick him up from his job and take him back to my place. Something happened, that I don’t remember, but it seemed like he was actually getting home earlier than he claimed he was and Kim headed him off with her friend Mr. Clean. Again, the only thing I knew about him was that Trent had been staying with him by Pusher’s and that he was HIV positive.

SB: And so by this time he had been staying with you for 48 days because it was hot out?

SC: That’s how it started but we got along so well that it turned into a thing. So, Kim is friends with this Mr. Clean guy too. I called Trent on his cell phone to let him know I was on my way. He told me not to worry about it, that Kim and Mr. Clean had already picked him up, they were gonna stop at Sally’s to eat and they’d be back after that. So this is day 48. I don’t remember why I called back. I think it may have been a psycho, sick twisted weird moment, but I’m not sure. I called his cell phone back and his pocket answered.

SB: Hence, why all phones should be flip phones.

SC: Yes. So I ended up just sitting there. They were obviously at Sally’s and I could hear them clear as day. That was partly because Trent had a really good cell phone because of his job but also because I think the cell phone was on the table or something. Kim was painting me, with extremely dramatic flair, to be this enormous psycho who was obsessed with him who wanted to marry him as soon as it was possible. It was absolutely outrageous lies. She was also saying that I had FORCED her to pay for everything and she apparently had all of the receipts on her. “Look at these receipts! Look at how much money I’ve spent!” They had her name on them too because she had used her credit card. So this whole time I hear Kim saying stuff, I hear Mr. Clean saying stuff, but I never hear Trent say a word. He’s not responding to anything I don’t know what was going on. One of the things I remember the most clearly was: “Maybe somebody needs to tell him he needs to lose some weight.” Then, Kim said: “It doesn’t fuckin matter. He’s so stupid you could tell him he’s as fat as the Beluga whale and he won’t get it.”

SB: Oh, MAAAANNN!!

SC: The worst part...

SB: It gets worse?

SC: The worst part was when I heard Trent get up and say he’d be right back. I listened to what Mr. Clean and Kim said after he got up. Kim said: “How much do you want to bet you could get him to sleep with you without using anything?” They were damn near planning it at the table and laughing; tricking me into sleeping with someone who is HIV positive because I‘m this big, fat, desperate asshole. That is, to this day, one of the most surreal moments in my entire life. People laughing about my utter destruction. The thing was, after that... Something else was said. I know for a fact that there was something else said that was ten times worse right after that, but I literally cannot remember what it was. It’s like my brain completely shut off and protected me from hearing and comprehending and remembering it. Whatever it was, it was enough to throw me into an utter panic with my heart racing. There wasn’t much else said after that. They left shortly after. The phone cut out with them heading to the car.

SB: So, it doesn’t sound like you heard Trent say much.

SC: No. It was all her and this guy I had never even officially met. Trent didn’t contribute much and I took that to mean he was very upset because he was a very talkative guy. The second I got off the phone, I completely freaked out. I knew they were on their way back and I didn’t know what I was going to do. I called three people. I remember I called Sexy--no answer, I called The Nurse--no answer I called Wicca--no answer. I didn’t know if I should leave, I didn’t know what they were planning to do or how Trent was going to confront me about this supposed news. I was literally terrified.

SB: To my knowledge, before this you hadn’t been a very confrontational person.

SC: No.

SB: So the phone rings...

SC: It’s somebody calling from the lobby and I’m sure it’s them. Turns out it’s Aries, which is absolutely crazy.

SB: Why is it crazy?

SC: Because she had never actually shown up like that before because the parking was wretched there. She always called first because you don‘t just show up at a place like that. She had a cell phone on her, too. It was just wild that she didn’t even call or anything. So, she came up, found me in a really bad state. I explained the whole thing to her and she said: “You need to just leave. Just get some shit together and let’s go.” They showed up right then. I buzzed them up, got some stuff together and was about to leave. Trent was all huffy and weird and wouldn’t look at me wearing sunglasses indoors which I will never forget. The last few moments I spent in his presence he had these fucking sunglasses on. It seemed like he was trying to hide something from me. Sunglasses are rarely there to shade your eyes, in my opinion. He was obviously pissed off at me so god knows what else she fucking told him. So, Aries is still dragging me to the door and I stopped. I turned around and said “Trent, your cell phone.” He picked it up all cocky and says, “It’s right here. Batteries dead.” And I said... Oh god... I used the only power I had at the moment. I said, very calmly: “I know why it’s dead. I heard every word the three of you said at Sally’s and I want you to get your shit and get out right now.” He freaked out. I think the major problem was that I totally blindsided him with this. He thought HE had the right to be pissed at me.

SB: Right. What do you mean he freaked out?

SC: He said: “Ya know. Our friendship is severely waning right now. It would be better if you just leave.” I said: “This is my apartment Trent. What do you mean I have to leave?” He said: “I paid you rent money. In some states that means I have the right to be here.” He stepped toward me threateningly a couple of times, and when I flinched it made him more mad. He said: “It’s not even fucking WORTH IT to hit you.“ Nothing that was actually said at the table ever came up. Kim is hiding in the fucking bathroom this whole time because she knew she was a fucking liar. Mr. Clean is sitting at my dining room table. He said: “God. Why can’t I EVER have a gay male friend?” So this is assuming that he never knew this entire time about my feelings. The last words I said to him were “You can, Trent.“ Aries dragged me out of the apartment and the amnesia thing happened again. I don’t remember going to her car, I don’t remember where she was parked, I don’t remember the ride down in the elevator. Next thing I knew we were at Wicca’s. Aries and Wicca weren’t getting along so she just dropped me off there. I was literally crying and blubbering and incoherent by this time right in front of Wicca, her daughter and Space-girl. Wicca shoved a glass of brandy in my hand and I gulped it down and was instantly calmed. It was bizarre. I very calmly told them the story. This was the night that I think I finally learned the true power of friendship. This was a Saturday night and every one of the friends that I called came through and showed up to support me. The Nurse, The Italian Stallion, Sexy... We ended up going back to my place because at one moment I thought “What if they’re cleaning me out right now? What if they’re loading up a van with all my shit? We called the police, just to usher them along and make sure they were leaving. I didn’t feel safe going up there because Trent had been so threatening so The Nurse and Space-girl went up there to keep an eye on them. From what The Nurse said they were very amiable, they were just packing up their stuff and getting ready to leave. Apparently, Trent had also found something I had written. One time, I wrote--and of course this added fuel to Kim’s fuckin fire--I did a stream-of-consciousness kind of writing one time where I had just laid it all out, every crazy thought that popped into my head to get it all out. He found that, he read it to them, he took it with him actually. The police just kind of ushered them along, but they were leaving anyway.
I remember the last time I actually laid eyes on him I was standing outside my apartment building looking down the hall from the side door and he was in the elevator loaded with bags and still had the sunglasses on. That night a bunch of us went to Sexy’s house and I got very, very drunk with a bunch of caring friends...

EPILOGUE: After the Interview
Looking back, even as little as 6 months later I couldnn’t help but think I may have sabotaged it purposely, in a subconscious kind of way. Part of me knew the very, very dangerous ground I was treading on. I had strong feelings for someone who was very far out of my league and was talking about moving in with him. Ripping the blinders off, Trent was a major alcoholic. He had a spooky Jeckyll and Hyde personality where he was gloomy and boring sober, but the life of the party and the funniest most charming guy when he had alcohol in him. There’s also that moment when he stepped toward me and said that it wasn’t even worth it to hit me. God knows where it could have ended up.

I have killed myself with what-ifs over this situation. I get humiliated all over again thinking about some of the things I said and did. That is ending now. All of it. It’s over, there are regrets, but it was for the best. I would have been inviting a world of heartache in by keeping somebody like Trent in my life in any capacity. A friendship with someone I have very strong feelings for could never work out; I have the war wounds to prove that one.
So, it’s over, it’s done with and it’s on the internet for everyone to see. I also never need to tell this story again which lifts the biggest weight off of me.

The End

My week, my vivisection...

viv.i.sec.tion Etymology: Latin vivus + English section

1 : the cutting of or operation on a living animal usually for physiological or pathological investigation; broadly : animal experimentation especially if considered to cause distress to the subject

2 : minute or pitiless examination or criticism - viv·i·sec·tion·al /"vi-v&-'sek-shn&l, -sh&-n&l/ adjective - viv·i·sec·tion·ist /-'sek-sh(&-)nist/ noun

This has just been one of those weeks, where everything seems to go wrong. It started out bright and early on Monday morning with my good work-friend Crucial getting the axe for being a big stupid dumb-ass. She got sent home last Friday (payday) for the dress code. By our new Nazi-esque by-laws, you are required to return to work within a certain amount of time. She didn’t, therefore she was fired. This was on top of several other attendance violations.
Later in the week I sent a casual email to my supervisor reminding him that August 25th is rapidly approaching and I will be going back to school 11 hours a week, therefore, I can’t work a late night. I made it through the entire school year and a summer session last year with no problem. This year, because we are under the aforementioned new Nazi-esque management, it’s a problem. (Although it ISN’T a problem for Catnip, a woman who is CERTAIN that she will be mugged and murdered by people on the LIGHT RAIL to not work a late night.) I was basically told at one point that since it is my decision to go to school, it is up to me to make the proper arrangements. It was the same line of crap that every other horrible corporation I have ever worked for has given me. But remember, being flexible with school was the one thing the this place USED to have going for it. Through all that bullshit me and my co-workers were put through, through an entire broke-ass no bonus possible summer, and a more-broke-than-I would-have-liked-it trip to New York, they tell me going to school is my decision.

I was told my only option was to find someone to work my late night as well as their own. Thinking it would be impossible, I sent an obligatory email out. Naturally, there were some questions. One answer I gave got misconstrued and twisted and the next thing I know, chaos erupts because everyone thinks 33% of us are going to get let go. What I had meant to say was I was told that since we are running at 33% below capacity to save a few bucks, they can’t make any more exceptions to people‘s schedules. Ironically, I had found someone to pick up my late night. Because of the chaos they traced back to me, I got dragged away and cussed out and thought I was going to get fired for a full night. Friday I go into work expecting the axe to drop at any moment, and then I come to find that an entire group of people are pissed at me because they have been moved from their “anytime they feel like it“ schedules to a set schedule. This, they all blame on me. Including a friendly acquaintance and The Anomaly, a friend of mine.
So, Friday was spent with dirty looks and sighing and silence. Friday after work I met some friends for drinks and a trip to the cash machine revealed that I was INCREDIBLY negative in my checking account. Horrified, I called the bank and found out that I had miscalculated something and was now going to get hit with a mountain of fees. I will be $486 negative by the time payday rolls around again. Cussing the person at US Bank out, I asked why I was allowed to keep using my card when it had a negative balance. I was told that is in place for MY BENEFIT because “the bank may have made an error”. ??!! BULLSHIT!! It is in place so that the bank can rack up as many fees on my account as possible!!

Weeks like this happen. It’s part of life. It reiterated why I am going to school and it strengthens my resolve to work hard and get good grades. It has also redoubled my job-hunting efforts.

I Heart Golden Birthdays in NY

THE TRIP:
Owatonna and I got off to a very rocky start with our 1PM flight on Wednesday getting cancelled and Northwest damn near losing our luggage. I rebooked for 7AM on the 30th (my birthday) and Owatonna got on a 6AM flight. I flew into Newark. To get to NY I took the light rail to a tram to a plane to an Air Train to a NJ Transit train. The Hotel Grand Union in Midtown was small and economical. I can’t say it was beautiful but I had a very comfortable room of my own that was my own personal refuge away from everything. We were also less than a block from a subway line and you can’t beat that. I had no complaints.

June 30th, 2005: On my birthday we managed to see Ground Zero (which was the quietest, most haunting place. I started crying at one point and couldn’t stop. I went to work like normal in a tall building on that fateful day just like those poor people did. I had to walk away to compose myself.) After getting lost for awhile we ended up in Battery Park because we were going to try to take the ferry to Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. Walking through the park we came across the foreigners selling the knock-offs and there right in front of me were Kate Spade bags which my sister had asked me to look for. I screwed up with the dickering and ended up paying $25 for one. The second I had the bag in my hands, there was a big commotion and all 25 or so of these guys scooped up the knock offs and literally disappeared into the crowd to avoid the police. It was crazy how fast it happened. We misread the sign at Castle Clinton where you buy tickets to the ferry. Instead, we walked down a few blocks and took the Staten Island ferry. It was humid and hazy but cool on the boat. I took a million pictures of the skyline and talked to a wonderful woman from Australia who explained the difference between a New Zealand accent and hers (there’s very little difference. Get them to say “six”. New Zealanders will pronounce it “sex”.) told me that on the morning of her 30th birthday her 2 year old son woke her up staring at her and proclaimed “You’re old!” and made me promise that on my 40th birthday I would be on a ferry in Sidney Harbor. We went back to the hotel so I could drop Kate Spade off and then hopped back on the subway bound for Coney Island. We had to stand on the train for damn near the entire 45 minutes and ended up in what I considered a pretty scary neighborhood. Coney Island is an ancient amusement park on the beach right in front of some projects. I rode The Cyclone twice (Owatonna could only handle it once) and damn near screamed my brains out. The three of us went on a space needle type thing that gave us a decent view of the surrounding area and then had a Nate’s dog at Nathan’s Famous, as New Yorkers call it. We then walked down to the beach and put our feet in the freezing Atlantic. Back on the train, we passed over the hugest, creepiest cemetery I have ever seen. It was dense and packed with headstones and monuments on both sides of the track as far as the eye could see. It went on forever and was very disturbing. After a quick stop back at the hotel we went to Stonewall bar (a cheesy dive where the gay liberation movement started) and walked around Greenwich Village and Chelsea a bit before finding a place called Sushi Samba to eat. It was very hoity-toity and expensive, but it was a quintessential New York moment. I still didn’t quite believe I was in New York, with the haziness and everything, so I wanted to see Time’s Square. We hopped back on the subway and walked through the area. It was nauseating. It felt like Disney World, Las Vegas and Corporate America threw up there. Every national chain you can think of is there, especially the vomitous over-priced ones like Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock Cafe. A total let-down, but very pretty to see.

July 1st, 2005: The next day was slightly less humid. I ended up taking a walk by myself in the morning and damn near getting lost, like an idiot. I had absolutely no sense of direction in New York and frankly I was too busy drooling over hot guys and seeing the sights to notice where the hell I was going. Eventually I met up with the girls who were hell-bent on going to Old Navy. I went with and quickly got really crabby in the crowded, non-air-conditioned store. I wanted to freak out and snap more than once before I realized that it was noon and I hadn’t eaten anything, therefore crabbiness. We went to a tiny little deli around the corner, ate and Owatonna and I parted ways with The Nurse because we had to get to Pulitzer Fountain in front of The Plaza to go on The Sex and the City tour. I won’t go into how Owatonna hadn’t made reservations even though I had made mine back in March and how she very nearly didn’t make it on the tour because the tour itself overshadowed everything. It was on an awesome luxury bus with TVs showing us the scene from every site we passed. We got out at The Pleasure Chest (where Charlotte bought the rabbit) Magnolia Bakery (where the best cupcakes in the world are made and the site of much lesbian break-up drama) Carrie’s front steps, the park where Carrie ran into Heather Graham and Nina Katz, Hotel Venus (where Charlotte bought lingerie) and Steve’s bar where we had Cosmos. Overall it was fascinating and well worth the $35. After the tour, we met up with The Nurse who had spent an infuriating and bathroom-less afternoon in Chinatown. We went to Grand Central terminal and ate at Oyster Bar which was the most beautiful restaurant I have ever seen. After that, we walked around and saw Rockefeller Center, St Patrick’s Cathedral, and the Chrysler Building. We had a total break-down of frustration at one point and called it an early night.

July 2, 2005: Owatonna and I went to Liberty Island and Ellis Island early in the morning. They were both kinda touristy and over-rated, though Ellis Island was pretty moving and fascinating. After that, we wanted to see more of some of the neighborhoods. We saw Washington Square Park, ate at a cool restaurant in SoHo, and accidentally went stumbled on another Sex and the City location, a Tasty D-Lite. We met The Nurse (who had been to the Bronx Zoo) back at the hotel after resting our aching feet for about an hour. We decided to see Central Park next. The park soundly kicked our asses with winding paths and a supreme lack of signage. We saw Strawberry Fields, The Dakota, Belvedere Castle, The Boathouse and the reservoir. After that, after a bit of confusion where we gave a Taxi driver the wrong address, we ended up at Carnegie Deli which was apparently world-famous to everyone but me. This is the place with foot high sandwiches and the best cheesecake on the planet. After that, we planned on seeing Empire State Building but it was closed so we took a walk around the neighborhood surrounding our hotel and basically collapsed in bed.

July 3, 2005: Our last day started with an early wake-up call because Owatonna and I wanted to walk the Brooklyn Bridge. Of course the weather was the most beautiful yet. The bridge was a very positive experience. Everybody we ran into was nice and happy and the bridge and the area surrounding it were so beautiful. I finally got up the nerve to talk to some of the NYPD blue and asked a couple of them if there was an official place to buy NYPD shirts. Back at the hotel, after some confusion about checking out, we all 3 went to the Empire State Building. It was a totally infuriating waste of 2 and a half hours. It was absolutely awful and not worth the misery of standing in line to get to the over-crowded outdoor viewing area. It makes me angry that my last few hours in New York were spent at this god-awful place. I ended up going back to the hotel, getting my stuff, hopping in a cab to Penn Station and then taking the LIRR to the JFK Air Train.

THE MYTHS AND THE REALITIES ACCORDING TO ME:

1. New Yorkers are rude: I didn’t find this at all. The rudest people I ran into were tourists. New Yorkers are an interesting lot. I could tell right away why writers are so fascinated with them. they all seem to have such interesting stories and you can’t help imagining what they are when you are around them. Not to mention, I have never seen so many hot men in one place in my entire life!!

2. The city stinks: The subways do when it’s burning hot and humid and the whole garbage piled on the sidewalk thing is a bit stank. Have they never heard of dumpsters?

3. It’s horribly expensive: When I go to a fancy restaurant here I expect to pay more. Their tax is higher, but I really didn’t find this expensive nonsense to be the case.

4. It’s dangerous and unsafe: I never felt unsafe in Manhattan. I felt a little freaked in Brooklyn, but I was probably over-reacting there as well. It’s dangerous and unsafe crossing the street without looking because cabbies drive psychotically. There’s a reason the roller coaster at New York, New York in Vegas looks like a taxi cab.

Overall, it was the best trip of my life. I would move to New York in a heartbeat if I could afford it. What an exciting place. I am already dreaming of my return trip which will be in the cooler months for sure. My next trip will be to New Orleans in October, if everything goes well. The way it sounds now, my good friend Aries will be going with me. Here’s hoping.

"Dave & Amanda Fuck Here"

It was a bit depressing coming back, I must admit. Murderapolis is decent, as cities go, but it is no New York. What an incredible place!! I am still working on a full post dedicated to the trip. More on that soon. It was an interesting morning. I woke up to find that my cable had been shut off while I slept. While I cursed and cussed about that I finally realized there was a way I could hook it up for the time being and the first thing I saw when it popped back on was London and what happened there. Boy do I feel shallow! I went late to work today, indignantly, and was walking past the building next to the building my friends Wicca and Teacher's Pet used to live in when I saw what I figured was childish scrawl on the sidewalk in bright pink chalk. When I read the short message I let out a sharp bark of laughter, then got horribly disturbed by the message: "Dave & Amanda Fuck Here" said the message with an arrow pointing to the nearest stoop. I didn't know if it was more disturbing that a chilren's toy was used to convey this horrid message or the vague thought in the back of my mind that Dave & Amanda themselves may be some sick voyeurs who wrote the message themselves. The world may never know.