Mental Anguish

I have been ragingly depressed for the past month and I couldn't figure out what it was. I finally retraced what has been the difference lately and I realized. THE GYM!! ever since I have had that gym membership I have felt like a worthless piece of $hit. I cannot motivate myself to go, I hate it when I'm there and I don't feel good afterwards. I hate exercising and it's beyond stubbornness. I feel like a part of my self esteem is injured daily by having that gym membership.


It goes deeper than that. I'm tired of hating how I look. I'm tired of feeling that I am ugly and that I am less of a person because I'm ugly. Being gay is such a ragingly body-conscious thing. I'm tired of obsessing over it. I'm tired of dieting. I'm tired of going without. I know I need to be healthy physically, but I feel like my mental health is suffering in the process. I want to feel effing comfortable in my own skin more than anything in the world. I want to celebrate how far I have come as a person FIRST and then work on the things I should change SECOND. I am way too hard on myself and I have to effing STOP!! I know I am NEVER going to be some gorgeous hard-bodied stud. I wouldn't know what the heck to do with myself if I was.


I'm still going to work on my health, but I really need to take baby steps with the exercising part. Not sure what to do yet.