In Case of Emergency...

On Wednesday my sister was rushed to the hospital. She's pregnant with twins and her blood pressure was dangerously high. They are keeping her in the hospital for observation until she has the babies now. My mother left a message on my answering machine informing me of what was going on, even though I had my cell phone on me. I was horribly upset by this and after some thought I think what bothers me the most about a random message being left on my machine is that I wasn't one of the first ones to know. My sister is probably the most important person to me and I was an afterthought. My mom was THERE. It made me realize that I am not the first one ANYONE would call if there was an emergency of some kind. I'm on the list of people you call after the crisis has passed, but I'm not included in the hand-holding, let's get through this part. I am not ANYONE'S in case of emergency person. On people's brutally-honest, hey that's the breaks kid, priority list of life I am not the first on ANYONE'S. At most, I am second on a few, third fourth or fifth on others.

Then, I had an epiphany. Maybe you are not truly loved unless you are someone's in case of emergency person. It's basically saying, when things go wrong I know you will drop everything and be there for me. Nobody feels that way about me and it feels incredibly empty. Most of it is situational. Parents and significant others, by NATURE are the first ones that you would have someone call. But I'm not anyone's parent or significant other. Maybe life is about our quest for being someone's in case of emergency person.

The Mistake on Line 15

I got a letter in the mail yesterday from Minnesota Dept of Revenue demanding that I pay $48 more on my taxes. Apparently I made a mistake on "Line 15". Having no clue what the fuck that meant I called this morning and found out that I mistakenly used the "Married, Filing Joint" line instead of "Single, filing lonely and destitute for the rest of my life until I'm dead from it" line when I calculated my witholding. Therefore, I owe $48 more than I paid. It's all kind of tragic when it's laid out like that. $48. That $48 is a badge of shame. It's what makes me a second class citizen. It's one of the deciding factors in the last travesty of an election. There will probably NEVER be a time in my life when I won't owe that $48. How absolutely fucking humiliating. I send in $48 and the governement can rest easy knowing I am single. And what will my $48 go to? Better roads? Better schools? Gay marriage bans? The War on Terror? Lobbyists? Activists? "The Children"? I am half-determined to take a stand; to not pay my shameful $48. Not for gay marriage, not for anything even slightly GAY AGENDA ORIENTED. No. For single people. For single people like me who have never been in a relationship, don't have the slightest prospects for one anytime soon and may be too lazy, immature and self-centered to ever actually be in one. But the road to Hell is paved with bad credit and I don't need somebody ELSE telling me that I owe them money. I have 60 days to pay it, after all. 60 days to come to terms with being single and paying my $48 single union dues. What a fucking world. Maybe, when I write the check out I will put in the memo: "Because I'm single and PROUD, bitch!!"

Bumper Sticker

The best bumper sticker I have seen in a long time:

"Draft SUV Drivers First"

A Milestone and Some Nosy Bitches

Okay, a few updates. A long time ago (Last June to be exact) I started a series of 4 horrid trips to the dentist. As of last Wednesday, the long nightmare is over. I had several cavities filled and had a very expensive crown put in. But it's fucking OVER!! When I grumbled and forked over the cash to the chick at the front desk she asked me if I would like to schedule my next cleaning. I looked at her like she had lost her fucking mind and said: "NO! I want to go a few months without any dental appointments, thank you." I'm mighty proud of myself though. I went to all of them, it's all over. The worst ones were the second and fourth. When someone tells you that the appointment that involves actually getting the crown put in doesn't hurt, they are fucking LYING!! Just FYI.

Also, Math-Girl, The Nurse and I started a group blog called "Overheard in Minneapolis". You can check it out here: http://ohinmpls.blogspot.com Please feel free to leave your own overheard tales there too by responding to our posts. Murderapolis may not be New York, but we have ALL overheard some very colorful sayings in our day.

Blood on the Red Carpet

The final word on what will go down in the history of the Academy Awards as Crashgate. This is hilarious, check it out. It's by Annie Proulx who wrote the short story that "Brokeback" was based on.

http://books.guardian.co.uk/print/0,,329430539-99819,00.html

Mental Anguish

I have been ragingly depressed for the past month and I couldn't figure out what it was. I finally retraced what has been the difference lately and I realized. THE GYM!! ever since I have had that gym membership I have felt like a worthless piece of $hit. I cannot motivate myself to go, I hate it when I'm there and I don't feel good afterwards. I hate exercising and it's beyond stubbornness. I feel like a part of my self esteem is injured daily by having that gym membership.


It goes deeper than that. I'm tired of hating how I look. I'm tired of feeling that I am ugly and that I am less of a person because I'm ugly. Being gay is such a ragingly body-conscious thing. I'm tired of obsessing over it. I'm tired of dieting. I'm tired of going without. I know I need to be healthy physically, but I feel like my mental health is suffering in the process. I want to feel effing comfortable in my own skin more than anything in the world. I want to celebrate how far I have come as a person FIRST and then work on the things I should change SECOND. I am way too hard on myself and I have to effing STOP!! I know I am NEVER going to be some gorgeous hard-bodied stud. I wouldn't know what the heck to do with myself if I was.


I'm still going to work on my health, but I really need to take baby steps with the exercising part. Not sure what to do yet.

I'm NOT crazy!!

Yes, I have a tirade below about "Crash" winning over "Brokeback". Apparently, my favorite movie's loss was completely unprecedented. This from The Advocate: "Brokeback Mountain", though it picked up Oscars for the quiet artistry of its musical score, Lee’s direction, and Diane Ossana and Larry McMurtry’s screenplay, was the first film ever honored by the triumvirate of the producers, directors, and writers guilds not to win Best Picture.

So I'm NOT crazy. This was a shock and an upset. I also find it strange that "Crash" is immediately being re-released to theaters even though you can get it in the bargain bin at Target. It's almost like Lion's Gate KNEW it was going to happen. You can't prep a film for re-release in theaters in 5 days.

Who gives a fuck about the Academy Awards anyway? It's all politics. And what of the film itself? Does it being ignored by the Academy mean it's less of a film at all? Absolutely not. This will go down in history as one of the most ridiculous, shameful moments in Hollywood. The Academy let their homophobia show. When the dust clears, this decision will look completely idiotic. If it had won, the moment would be more forgettable.

"CRASH"????!!!! WTF???????!!!!!

I feel sick to my stomach with disgust. “Crash” is a great movie, don’t get me wrong, but “Brokeback” was miles from “Crash” as any critic out there will tell you. "Crash" was firmly and deservedly lodged in my NUMBER TWO position of the year. So what the fuck happened? There are two possibilities: “Crash” is yet ANOTHER movie that sucks LA’s cock and panders directly to the people who live in Los Angeles. I wanted to show THIS SIDE of LA. Haven’t we seen EVERY SIDE of LA? I haven't even BEEN THERE and I feel like I've been there. The second option brings me back to what Jon Stewart said at the beginning of the show about the Academy being “Behind the times“. They aren‘t ready yet to accept a film with the issues brought up in “Brokeback Mountain“. “Crash” is about prejudice and stereotypes, mostly racial stereotypes. I find it interesting that not once do any of the intermingling characters come across gay characters. And Civil Rights has always been a sore spot for me. One of the groups most strongly opposed to the Gay Civil Rights movement was Southern BLACK Baptist Churches. So... Civil Rights for YOU but no one else?? WTF??!!

It’s hard for someone who isn’t gay to understand the seething rage I feel at this. I almost feel how I did when I saw that W got re-elected. In my opinion, this is about what issue is most important. 5 issues were brought up by five different movies: Racism, homophobia, the death penalty, McCarthyism and terrorism. Racism won, and homophobia should have. “Crash” was great, but it wasn’t groundbreaking or earth-shattering. It doesn’t open people’s eyes to something they have never seen before. “Brokeback” takes the issues of intolerance away from the religious zealots and pundits and politicians and puts a human face on it. Not a stereotypical human face, for once, but a human face.

I’m taking it too seriously. It’s a fucking award show. “Million Dollar Baby” won last year and the fact that it won didn’t make me like the movie any more or have a different opinion about it than I did before. I had such a personal reaction to “Brokeback” I remember saying to myself that if NOT ANOTHER LIVING SOUL in the world liked it, I still would. Nothing can change how much the film impacted me and continues to impact me.

EPIPHANY: Okay, all you straight folks out there reading this. Imagine you had NEVER seen a love story that you believed or could relate to. No “Gone With the Wind” no “Titanic” no “Casablanca”, etc, etc... NEVER. Not a single one. Because every love story out there worth a damn was a gay love story. Imagine seeing one with a heterosexual couple for the first time that felt real, that didn’t insult you with stereotypes or production values. That’s what “Brokeback” did for me. Not that I’m a lonely rancher out in Wyoming, but I could have been. A different time a different place. Maybe.

God. I really just need more gay male friends. I feel like I'm stranded on "Island of the People that Aren't Like Me".

Wow!! I love Blogging. I feel so much better. It's all bullshit. Who knows what happened. It could just be that LA thing I mentioned earlier.

RIP FEBRUARY 2006!!!

Thank GOD February is over!! I felt like I was ON THE RAG the entire month!! I also had 2 dental appointments, the month was gloomy and cold with NO SNOW. It truly sucked. I have taken on a personal conquest to get the plumbing in my building fixed. I have complained several times to maintenance that I have issues with my shower blasting me with cold water, intermittently not coming on, etc. I finally got my complaint in writing and sent it to them. They never responded. I finally had to call them and a woman told me since I am the only one complaining in the building they are not willing to fix anything. I took it upon myself to go around the building, door-to-door and ask other residents to sign. Of the 13 people I talked to, only one of them said there was no problem. I am mailing out my findings to the rental office today. Wish me luck!!

Also, Oscars on Sunday. GO "BROKEBACK" GO!!!