Be Here Now

I had a very dear friend give me this advice. When things involving the future seem so uncertain, when things seem like they could possibly spiral out of your control, when there are a lot of new changes in your life and you don't quite know what to do with them just Be Here Now. Live in the moment. If you focus too much on the uncertainty of the future you will forget about the present. And presently, things are going wonderfully for me; that huge Karmic payback finally started taking form in my life. My sister told me recently that people with dysthymia (it's a mild form of chronic depression) are notorious ruminators, that we are so self-obsessed in the sense that we are always trying to analyze ourselves and figuring out what everything MEANS and that we need to give it a fuckin rest sometimes. I hereby commit to giving it a rest and to just Being Here Now.

My Latest Song Obsession

I just got "Siamese Dream" again this weekend. It was like greeting an old, cherished friend after a long, long absence from my life. There is a song on it that I don't know if I ever paid any attention to before because I was obviously deaf or stupid back then. I have been absolutely obsessed with it ever since. I think the lyrics are pretty meaningful, and it goes from this blistering guitar riff to the most beautiful, melodic love song for about the last 2 and a half minutes. Truly genius. It gives me chills every time I listen to it. Genius!!

Hummer

by

Smashing Pumpkins

Faith lies in

The ways of sin

I chased the charmed

But I don't want them anymore

And in their eyes

I was alive

A fool's disguise

Take me away from you

Shame my tongue

Fat with promise all along

But when I woke up from that sleep

I was happier than I'd ever been

When you decide

That your life is a prize

Renew and rivive

It's alright honey

It's alright, yeah

Happiness will make you wonder

Will I feel OK?

It scares the disenchanted

Far away

Yeah I want something new

But what am I supposed to do about you

Yeah I love you, it's true

Life's a bummer

When you're a hummer

Life's a drag

Ask yourself a question

Anyone but me

I ain't free
Ask yourself a question

Anyone but me

I ain't free

Do you feel
Love is real?

Alarming Trend!!

I don't normally put ths type of stuff on here, but I can't help it. What's with the trend lately of people having fucking ALARMS going off in their songs? I can't think of a single time an alarm means something good is going on. The last thing I want to do when I hear an alarm is dance. The worst example is that stupid "Chicken Noodle Soup" song, but Beyonce is guilty as well. Her song "Ring the Alarm" practically induces seizures. It makes me want to blow my fucking brains out. Fergie's "London Bridge" STARTS with an alarm but it quits after the first few seconds.

UGH!! STOP IT!!! If I wanted to listen to alarms I would hang out in front of the Hospital or Police Station or Fire Station!! Hmmm... Cute paramedics, cops and firemen are there. Doesn't sound like a bad idea.

180

This is actually a sequel to the post below. Make sure you read that first.

I went into work, handed my supervisor my resignation, said it was nothing personal, that I enjoyed my time there and would look back on it fondly. I wanted to go out with my head held high and start somewhere fresh but not have to drive past the place knowing I pulled some immature "Fuck YOU, bitches!!!" shit. I even hugged my supervisor and told her that I like her as a person, just not as a supervisor.

About half an hour later, my bosses boss dragged me over to her desk and asked me what it would take to make me stay. I told her that I would need to be put in my old position with the other supervisor that I like where I can make huge bonuses again. She told me she would see what she could do, sent me away, and chaos erupted. There was a revolving door at her desk of supervisors and co-workers. After lunch I came back and she said she would be moving me to where I asked. She even asked me about recommendations for my replacement and we had a long talk about the department in general.

In the process of this day I found out that I am valued at my job, that they do not want to lose me, that I will be back to making what I did, and that I wield far more power there than I thought I had. She told me to my face that they wold not do this for everyone, that it is in the best interest of the company to keep me.

I won't get into the boring specifics, but I helped out several friends, too. I made sure the replacement that gets my old, worthless position was not two of my friends, I got a horrid person taken off of my favorite supervisor's team so he doesn't need to deal with her anymore, I made sure they honored a promise they made to another friend and moved her to the position she has wanted for a long time, let them know that another valued employee is looking for a position within the bank and that he will need help with that and I practically ensured the failure of the supervisor I hate.

I am gonna quote Ice Cube here: "I gotta say it was a good day..."

Endings and Beginnings

I have been more than miserable with my job at Da Bank for the past 3 years but never for such a sustained amount of time as I have been these past 5 months. There have been fleeting moments of happiness, but overall I have been whining and complaining and unhappy and more than anything, completely broke. I have to say I have never worked at a place where I have felt more like a number than where I currently work. I feel like I have no voice at all, like I am standing on a table screaming and no one is even paying attention. Did I mention this is also the smallest call center I have ever worked for?

Yesterday, I interviewed for a similar position somewhere else. I got caught in traffic, got lost and went to the wrong building on the way to the interview. This made me a half hour late. I also didn't go out of my way to dress well. I walked in not wanting the job, or not really caring, anyway. I was kinda cocky in the interview. Further, I cut the interview a little short MYSELF so I could get to work on time.

They begged me to take the position. They offered me the job on the way out the door and offered me more money than they normally offer people. This job is also insanely flexible which is absolutely necessary with the high maintenance degree I am seeking and my impending internship, a good friend of mine works there who claims he knows that I can hack it and make decent money, and further claims there is literally NO corporate BS there.

See below.

Shakycam
Da Bank
Murderapolis, MN 55403

September 22, 2006


Supervisor
Da Bank
Murderapolis, MN
Re: Resignation of Employment



Dear Supervisor:

Please accept this letter as my formal two week notice of resignation, effective October 6, 2006.
I have appreciated my years with the company. Thank you for the opportunities you have presented.


Sincere thanks and best wishes for the future,


Shakycam

CC: Bosses' Boss, Bosses' Bosses' Boss

Thanks, Choirgirl

I just got off the phone with my good friend Choirgirl. We discussed my current situation and I gotta say her words cut right through to the core of everything I am experiencing right now. These aren't original words, but I had never heard them before. I wasted so much time not knowing this.

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Those that come in for a reason, lead you somewhere you need to go and leave after they have done that. Those that are there for a season have a longer lesson to teach you but then their time ends, as all seasons end, when it is natural for them to do so. And those that are there for a lifetime... well. They are there to teach you something that may take your entire life. The pain and the heartache come in when you try to change people and force their reason or season into something more, something longer-lasting. You have to accept people for which one of these roles they fill, which one of these roles they are MEANT to fill, and move on.

She also said that she wants me to have something meaningful. She wants me to have arguments with someone about where to put the toaster. She wants me to experience all of the joy and the heartache that goes along with taking a chance and living and being a human being who takes chances and has dreams and goals and is not satisfied with what he sees around him every day. This is a woman in the midst of her own financial and personal crisis who took the time to look outside of herself and her own situation and looked deeply into me as a person to give me some beautifully encouraging, wonderful words. I gotta say, I love her for that.

And I gotta say I feel like I am waking up for the first time in many years in so many ways. And it feels incredible.

When You Come Undone

I feel like I am being ripped apart lately. There are incredibly good things happening for me, and incredibly bad things happening. It's all at once. I feel like I'm caught between elation and depression and I don't know which way to turn. Emotions suck! My financial situation seems to worsen by the day, my job is getting more and more unbearable, and I feel overwhelmed with homework. On the plus side, i just found out my video will be shown on AFV on Sunday, October 1st, my personal life is starting to go great (Hey, I!), I'm getting along wonderfully with friends and have re-bonded with a dear friend I thought was lost (Hey, W!). It's like I don't know what I should feel anymore. I want to get back on anti-depressants to just NUMB the whole business.

Update

Fall has officially started, in my opinion. Fuck a solstice, walk outside once. I had some terrible financial troubles recently, I'm back in school and laden with homework, I hate my job more every day in fact today I had this urge to just walk out and take my chances. It's starting to be less and less about the money and more and more about the fact that I do nothing but leave messages all day long. It's maddening. So, job hunt is on in full force. I discovered 3 for 1's at The Bolt on Friday and got shockingly drunk right after work with Math-girl. I'll have a more full update when I'm doped up on caffeine and feel the urge to write.

FUCK YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've been on Weight Watchers for about 2 months now. As of today, I can officially fit into my skinny jeans!! They're pretty tight and more comfortable WITHOUT underwear but hell, with an ass as hot as mine is in these jeans I won't NEED underwear!! I guess being broke and starving myself really worked out in the end. Literally!

Fees Part 2: Resolved

It was no small feat, but ALL NINE FEES were reversed this morning. They tried to tell me I had to go to the branch and I about blew my top. I know why. This is a loss that the branch I opened the account at will need to take. Whatever. I informed them immediately what was going on and they could have stopped the 9 FEES from hitting. Bite me. Take THAT, The Man!!

Trees & Fees

I am going camping this weekend. The first time in my adult life. I am fully expecting to be murdered in a really creative way by Jason Voorhees, dragged away by wild animals or stood in a corner and later gutted by the Blair Witch. Camping never turns out good in the movies, or on TV!! Even "Little House on the Prairie" had an episode where Laura and Nellie fell into a river and damn near went over a waterfall while camping. I'm fucked.

Also, I have had my fucking finances put in flux because of a stupid $7 an hour idiot at Time Warner Cable making a mistake. As regular readers know, I cancelled my cable awhile back for several reasons. At the time of the cancellation, they were also supposed to cancel my automatic payments. Someone didn't and I had $126.02 come out of my account that was practically at $0.00 on the 26th. Just a completely random day. My automatic bill pay was set up specifically for the 15th of the month. I still would have been really mad, but it wouldn't have resulted in 9 $35 overdraft charges!! Can we say EXCESSIVE?!! 9 X $35 = $315!!! for a fucking mistake TIME WARNER made?!! Of course, there is a reversal going through. It's been "Going through" since MONDAY. Once it hits my bank, they will reverse all of the fees that accrued as a direct result of it. ALL FUCKING NINE!! Imagine this was a mistake I had made. Just an honest mistake. THEY WOULD CHARGE ME $315 FOR AN HONEST MISTAKE?!! What the hell is wrong with banks?

It's officially September now!! Why does August ALWAYS suck so bad for me?!! GEEZ!!